Put a Simile on Your Face (Chapters 2 and 3)

Refreshed from a night of theatre, (Rossum's Universal Robots at Insurgo) I returned to the abandoned second chapter of Twilight. While I fully expect the need to bookend my ventures into Meyer's two-dimensional world of tepid romance with actual storytelling will continue, it is increasingly unfair to my Twilight experience to see the contrast of wit and method to Meyer's excuse for prose.

Written in the 1920's, RUR originated the term "robot" in popular nomenclature and traces the doomed path of humanity as the mortal creators of life. I note this solely because in Karel Čapek's play, he resorts to the storytelling gimmick of characters as archetypes instead of actual people. In doing, he saves the stage time of developing his players and relies on the audience to accept each speaker as a general perspective to move his story. Twilight on the other hand utilizes stilted, unrealistic dialogue to fail at this.

Picking up in Chapter 2, Bella and Edward have their first real conversation in biology class. To the backdrop of examining onion root cells beneath a microscope, Bella finds herself inexplicably opening up to the suddenly convivial Edward. Allow me to compare this properly. Romeo and Juliet traded their first flirtatious banter at the Capulet mansion in the confusion of her parent's party; an expression of civility and hospitality that would not be shown to their union or love. The canon of Notre Dame hired renowned philosopher Peter Abelard to tutor his daughter Heloise at the esteemed church in France; when their love was discovered, she was whisked off to a convent while Abelard was unmanned and spent his life as a monk. Marie and Pierre Curie met at one of the laboratories Pierre worked for while Marie was studying at the Sorbonne and their dedication to science would both define and end their life-long love. Fucking Han Solo meets Princess Leia while rescuing her from the goddamn Death Star; the death mask of Darth Vadar and the promise of world-breaking domination always present int their burgeoning love for the next two movies!

Edward met Bella while examining onion roots in biology class.

Really, Meyer? That's how this epic starts? You couldn't throw us a clever twist on frog dissection (like Spielberg did in E.T.) to show us the fragility of life, or discuss the qualities of white blood cells in protecting the body from invasion to counter the vampiric themes I'm hoping show up at some point, or the science of hormones in attracting a mate to contrast the undead Lothario making pee-yellow eyes at the lummox across from him?

I would like to say the mundane drivel that follows allows a break from my storyteller's rage, but the next scene has Bella's awkward and negative observations on seeing snow for the first time. She is judged harshly by the throng of youth engaging in snowball fights, like teenagers are wont to do with all those hormones stinking up the place. But wait? Didn't Bella grow up in Forks, Washington before her parents divorced? Unless Charlie kept her chained to a potty chair in the basement for the majority of her elementary years, the girl has seen snow before. Moreover, Chapter 3 has her driving in it. As a native to the inclement snowstorms of Ohio, I know for a fact that winter driving takes time to learn, let a lone in Bella's ancient Chevy truck her father bought her. (And while he chained her tires for her, he didn't sandbag the truck bed to allow for better traction, which is what real people do in wintry climes. Fuckyouverymuchstephaniemeyer.) The fan fic kicks into high gear when Bella neatly avoids being splattered by another car slipping on the ice.

Guess who rescues her? If you said Tuxedo Mask, you get my undying love. But no, it's just Edward.

In the flush of adrenaline that follows her near-death experience, Bella bitches that Edward was too far away to save her. On the goddamn icy road, she tells him his mortal limitations with the hand-print indentations in the car that would have made a more two-dimensional Bella than Meyer ever intended. Appropriately, he tells her to STFU. (Or in gamerspeak, "I just blew a blood point on celerity, bitch. Don't fuck this up for me.")

If Bella is in high school in early winter, and living with her father, then I assume she's a minor. If so, there is no goddamn reason in the world Charlie wouldn't be in the ER with her, and likely in a private room considering his status as Police Chief. But no, her observation is handled with Edward smirking at her side, the other driver with his inexplicably lacerated face, and Edward's father Dr. Cullen, who I immediately decided was David Hyde Pierce.

If you have a copy of Twilight, open it to Chapter 3 right now and read the dialogue in the hospital scene as if Kurt Hummel and Niles Crane were talking.

Now you know my joy. I'll pick up Bella's impending dream about Edward in Chapter 4 next time.