Thinking About Baseball Won't Help (Chapters 17, 18 and 19)

Conflict. Without it, there is no reason to tell a story. Thus far in Twilight, we've had little genuine conflict other than Bella's paranoid anxiety that everyone BUT the vampires is out to get her. However, Chapter 17 unfurls an engaging background issue that deserves so much more attention than it gets. Even accepting that I as the reader haven't seen the trailers for New Moon and somehow escaped the inanity of Team Edward of the bloodsucker set verses Team Jacob the fuzzy and wolfish, the fact remains the Cullens brokered a peace treaty with the local Native Americas on the reservation in Forks a few generations ago. This means Jacob's father, Billy "Meals on Wheels" Black, not only knows the Cullens are vampires, but like his fathers before him, doesn't trust them any farther than he can throw them. The Indians clearly delineated their territory from the undead in exchange for not whistle-blowing and triggering a good old fashioned angry mob.

For years, the Cullens lived within Forks, but apart. Like any good recovering alcoholics, they know better than to hang out in the liquor store for any length of time. Now, the batshit crazy daughter of the white folk's police chief is dancing her seventeen year-old single malt self around one of the AA boys. Black knows it only takes one drink to drop the lot of them off the good vampire bandwagon. After that, it's on like Donkey Kong; wholesale hunting and murder, pitchfork and torch-wielding justice. I could see the younger generation of Native Ameriwolves going for it on the pretense of getting enemies to slaughter the white folk who took their land. But the older, wheelchair-bound ones know better than to invite the Feds to a situation, risking more land getting seized and the loss of all those handicap accessible places like Walmart and McDonalds.

This story here is interesting! But it's not the one that gets told. No, instead Bella comes home and finds Black and Jacob on her porch like cigar store Indians (in a wheelchair). Faced with the survival of his tribe, his land, and the white folk of Forks, Black approaches to give her the vaguest warning imaginable. Bella, like any brainless, romance-addicted ingenue, resists his advice and intimidates (??!!!) him and his son off her property. Really. When Charlie gets home, Bella fills her father's ears with lies and then introduces Edward. This scene too, promising all kinds of thematic elements, falls as flat as Calista Flockhart.

The book wholly limits itself with Bella's narrative. The stories I want to hear are bullied out of the way by the insipid, sexless romance. Where is the win here?

It bears mentioning that Meyer takes one last chance at giving EsmeDaphne a personality. Sometime during the next scene, Bella is approached by the motherly vampire, who tells her randomly that her baby died in childbirth and that's why she jumped off a cliff. I can totally see Jane Leeves doing this and owning every awkward moment. But just as I feared, vampire baseball is exactly as mind-numbing as major league baseball. Thank god the evil vampires show up. And, oh surprise! They want to eat Bella.

Bookwench: Oh hi, conflict! It's been so long since you've had a part to play in this rancid, sad sack of shit. Now that the three new evil vampires are here and plan on cracking the wax on Bella's single-malt, what are the other five good vampires going to do about it, on their home turf?

XTwyLyteRavynXFTW: OMGWTFBBQRUN!!!1one!!!1! lol

I once played in a table-top game called Slasher Flick in which the players are rewarded for actions that contribute to their characters dying; like fleeing up the stairs from the killer, or wandering off alone to take a shower. Seriously, even when the math changes and one of the evil vamps cuts his losses and bails, the Cullens decide splitting up and running with Bella for Phoenix is a good idea. Hunt in packs, jackasses! *hurls popcorn at the screen*

This plan requires Bella not only go home first to pack her belongings, (despite her lack of beloved mementos or vital possessions. There must be no Old Navy's in Phoenix,) but to convince Charlie she is leaving Forks for a benign reason, like hating her life and wanting to be her own person without the constant fetters of familial duty and social martyrdom move back in with her mom. Every moment Bella lacks Edward's presence, she nics hardcore, which should make the moment she chooses to willingly hurt her father and call upon his memories of his wife's divorce to sell her intent, both riveting and heartbreaking.

Lacking that, at least it's brief.

The manly hunting team of Edward, Niles and Lion-O go to track down the evil vampire dude. Daphne and Lindsey Lohan go after the evil vampire dude's evil vampire bitchy girlfriend. And Bella flees with Moaning Myrtle and the Rock as they speed towards the safety of a sunny, desert city, four states away. Even driving at vampire speeds, a thousand miles is no short distance and stopping for road beers doesn't seem likely. Good thing they brought Bella.