Motivated purely by ego, the Twilight blog continues into Eclipse after over a year delay. I'm exploring the contents of Meyer's third book digitally this time around, only to have my frustration mount higher with poor ePub formatting. During my downtime, I began tutoring an 11 year-old, and the misshapen format serves comparison between his attempts at essay writing, and this novel. Of course in his stories, a gigantic snow monster terrorizes Las Vegas and can only be defeated by the boy and his faithful companion Yoshi of Super Mario Bros.
I'm having trouble choosing which of the two makes the most sense.
Chapter 1 of Eclipse reintroduces us to elder abuse and misogyny, the latter of course displayed the moment Edward arrives to shit up the scene. But a note to the former, while it has been a very long time since I cracked New Moon, I can't recall Bella's hate-on for her father. Charlie, while not the brightest bulb in the box of local Sheriffs, never struck me as an oppressive presence in her life. I applauded his sole act of parental attention when he grounded Bella for bailing on Forks and jetting off to Italy, and then coming back. But in Chapter 1, we find Charlie epic failing at the preparation of the bachelor staple spaghetti, whinging about Bella's adoration of Edward to the exclusion of all else, pimping Jacob, growlin' at that Cullen boy who comes snooping around, and generally, finally being the bad dad guy.
But Charlie deserves better! Even if he did microwave a jar of spaghetti sauce with the lid still on. Bella shits all over him in her narrative, which may or may not be an example of Unreliable Narrator, but since there is no point to the flawed perception of the storytelling, we'll have to assume Bella's unfailing lack of intelligence is an inherited trait.
Oh yeah, and we lose a page describing Edward. Resplendent. Dangerous. Adonis. Whatever. He douches up the scene trying to placate Charlie, and then proceeds to sit idly by while Bella catches us up on the plot so far. Bella must be vamped, and in the near future, and holy shit is she jonesing for it. The closest thing to sexual aggression I've seen in Bella is her desperation at being made into a lifeless bloodsucker. But not marriage. That gives her pouty face.
Really? You can't make a legal commitment to the wealthiest family in Forks, but you can let Edward rape your circulatory system and curse you with walking death?
As a divorcee, I applaud the resistance to marriage so fast, but I still want to bitch-slap the soup out of Bella's mouth. She doesn't want to go to college, she doesn't want to get married, she doesn't want to grow any older. Instead, Bella dives into Wuthering Heights for escapism, (wtf?!) hides in the domesticated role of caring for her clearly mentally retarded father, worships her boyfriend who won't fuck her, and throws a fit when asked to apply for Dartmouth. Edward proves his princely nature and forges her application for her. Because that's the kind of eternal love you want in your life. Someone who rejects your opinions and feelings and makes bold overtures without your consent.
Shit, this is only Chapter 1! Now I know why I took a 15-month hiatus from Twilight.
And mind you, that idiot microwaving spaghetti sauce is the town sheriff.
ReplyDelete"Jeeze Charlie, I dunno... who do you think killed that guy?"
"Well Dick, I sure dunno. Everybody in town says that Gary ran out of here with a bloody knife in his hand, but... wow. Nope. Can't figure it out, anyway. More unsolved mysteries! Gosh I love that show. I'd watch it if I could turn on the tv. It just keeps showing this little plate that turns around."
"You're a fucking idiot, Charlie."
"Hokilydokle."