Faking it: Chapters 20-24 and Epilogue

The first section of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love chronicles her adventures in Italy where she speaks Italian, eats herself out of shape and generally finds oneness amidst the ancient city of Rome and surrounding countryside. Having merely read those chapters and peeked at the Wikipedia article for Volterra, I already appear to know more than Meyer about Italy. For example, there is no such fucking thing as a vampire-themed festival of Saint Marcus. The use of it feels shoehorned into the dramatic backdrop for the sake of theme, a concession Meyer never bothered with in this or the last book before. Abruptly dragging the setting out of Washington and then not utilizing preexisting concepts in a nation known for political corruption, mafia strong-arming and one notable, failed attempt at Fascism, in favor of a make-believe vampparty is sadder than the allied bombing of abbey at Monte Cassino. Why not Rome, so close to the papal seat in Vatican City, thereby elaborating on Edward's fear of losing his soul and allowing the Volteri to exist like the worm in the apple of the holiest place on earth? Oh, because Meyer is a hack.

A constipated force of tension takes us into Chapter 20 as Bella elbows her way through the festival crowd to stop Edward from making his body-glitter appearance. Please remember that a lot of people are in costume for this shindig, up to and including plastic fangs. I don't know about you, but when I'm at this breed of goth party and someone shows up shirtless and shiny, I either a). Find the guy who slipped me a roofie, or b). Shrug it off as some sort of attention-getting costume and take of my shirt. (I might not glitter, but these nips are epic!) But this is Edward's emo brilliant plan to off himself. Bella clothelines herself on him and convinces him to hide back in shadow before the Volteri show up, which they do anyway.

Alice blows in just as the smack starts talking and the tension mounts before flagging suddenly when the hero of Canton, a man they call Jane arrives and they all blithely follow her into the sewers. A reason is given, eighteen pages later, that Jane's mental powers allow her to incite unfathomable pain upon anyone she looks at. But not for her boring-as-Mormon-missionary-position name. Meyer drops more description on the convoluted path to the Volteri throne room than on the rest of nation of Italy because clearly it isn't interesting enough to note. Further, Bella's whining narrative kicks up to grate nails down my mental chalkboard. Her greatest concern as the mysterious vampires escort them deeper and deeper into their clutches? Whether or not Edward still wants her or is protecting her out of a sense guilt.

No fair. Vampires can't read her mind but I HAVE TO!

Shit happens in the court of the Volteri, but it lacks any substance, depth, genuine tension or style. For your sake, pick up any Anne Rice book, (they lack real difference between them, so whatever,) and insert any sequence where a group of vampires meet and greet (and eat), and you'll be better off. For kicks, try this with any Laurell K. Hamilton book and maybe take a bold hit off your bong and actually have a good time. In the end, the vamps decree that Bella is neat because her brain chatter interferes with all vampire powers, rendering her immune. Further, she knows too much about vamps to live, so either she stays in Volterra or the Cullens make her a vampire. Vegi-vamps says "Okiedokie" and bail.

Major emotional upsets and character conflicts snare and tangle within the last two chapters. Instead of addressing this, Bella and Edward snuggle and don't resolve anything between them for the next ... (flips pages) entire chapter. Instead we once again are treated to two ginormous flights back to Washington and don't make with any dialogue until getting to Charlie's doorstep. Given Meyer's habit of nuking her own pacing by sending characters fleeing over long distances, first to Phoenix, now to Italy, I expect the next book involves a rocket ship.

The rest of the book is a downhill shit-slide. At the poopie end, the Cullens vote to make Bella a vampire on Edward's timetable, Bella is grounded as fuck but still gets to date Edward, and Jacob tries to sell her down the river but opts for a cease-fire because he wuvs her so much. Edward proposes and in the most offensive move to date, Bella rejects the idea of marriage so young (despite desperately flinging herself at his fangs to be made his vampy mistress) and further bemoans the idea of waiting for either of these until she's thirty because that's fucking ancient. To an 18 year-old, yes, but fuck you Bella!

To summarize New Moon, Edward dumps Bella, she writhes in mental anguish and fails to rebound, some stuff with Italy and vampires, Edward and Bella get engaged, and Jacob is thrown over faster than U.S. District Chief Judge Vaughn R. Walker could overturn Proposition 8. Insert witty joke about Team Jacob the underdog here, because I'd rather be drinking.